Tomorrow it will be two weeks until the FET (assuming it doesn’t get cancelled again). Then almost two weeks until the first beta. Then two weeks until the first ultrasound (assuming that I get pregnant).
I’m so scared already. Really not looking forward to all of the hurdles I have to clear in the next few months. For some stupid reason I looked at the calendar and did the math to figure out how far along I would be on Christmas (again assuming that this is going to work) and realized that if what happened last time happens again I would be going through a miscarriage the week of Christmas.
I need to quit thinking so much, it is really stressing me out. I need to believe the doctor when he tells me that he thinks he knows why I had the miscarriage. Isn’t that why I’m paying the big bucks to go to this particular doctor? I need to appreciate that I have a diagnosis and a tool to possibly change things for the better this time (the blood thinner lovenox). I need to stop listening to Guillermo who keeps telling me not to get my hopes up too much because it will be so much worse if it doesn’t work out.
Infertility treatments are so much harder for me emotionally than physically. While I don’t like giving myself injections, going to the office to have ultrasounds and blood work, gaining weight from the medications, and procedures like egg retrieval, d&c and fibroid surgery; once the physical part is done it’s done. The emotional part, the sadness, the worry, the hope, and the stress is with me all the time. To make matters worse the hormones make everything so much more intense.
I’m going to relax, have a
glass of wine cup of herbal tea, watch some TV, and try not to think of anything FET related tonight.